it needs more than just a readjustment...

and let's face it, matt damon's kinda pudgy in this film, and emily has a horse face. not sarah jessica parker horseface, but close.

The Adjustment Bureau was actually based on a short story called The Adjustment Team by a man
named, no kidding, Phillip K. Dick. Let’s be honest here, The Adjustment Team? I figured I’d start this
review on a positive note: at least they changed the name.

No, the problems I have with usually desperate attempts to turn a short story into a full-length feature
film are just as relevant to the Adjustment Bureau as they are to any other movie. There’s a lot of
tell and not enough show, which usually leaves everything feeling pretty flat. Shallow story, shallow
characters and shallow plot: all trying to tell you how deep they are. Hence, the ending with a nice
glossed-over moralization to tie up the entire point of the movie.

Although I have to say congratulations, Universal, you finally got Matt Damon to play leading man in a
chick flick, because that’s what The Adjustment Bureau is. It’s a cute little love story that the production
companies stuck the tags of “action, thriller and suspense” to so that your average unsuspecting guy can
drag his wife, girlfriend, or even mother (though, watch out, Emily Blunt drops an F-bomb, and let’s face
it, your mother suggested you go see a movie to get you out of the basement and off the internet to
avoid girls like that in the first place) and out to see a Matt Damon flick with the end result of both guy
and girl leaving the theater disappointed.

I suppose I should offer you a premise of sorts? The ambitious, young, charismatic David Norris (Matt
Damon,) a man ready and waiting to win the race for a New York senate seat, meets Elise (Emily Blunt)
in the stall of what he’d assumed was an empty hotel men’s room as he’s practicing his concession
speech and she drops her keys. They start kissing when she says she wishes he’d worn a clip-on tie, and
confesses to being at the hotel, and hiding in the stall, for crashing a wedding. As she is chased off by
security, he realizes she must be a deep, intense, genuine person and decides to ad-lib his concession
speech which turns out to be a rousing success. Coincidentally, because of an… agent… who was asleep
at the proverbial wheel, David runs into Elise again, and apparently they aren’t supposed to be together;
hence all the running for the rest of the movie that you saw in the trailers.

If you go into this film expecting Jason Bourne meets Inception, you’ll be thoroughly disappointed. Now,
I confess I would pay money to watch Matt Damon sit and read legal filings for two hours, but most
dudes might not feel that way. Matt Damon’s character Linus, from the Ocean’s [insert numeral here]
movies, sees more wild and crazy action than this David Norris. The best we get in The Adjustment
Bureau is a few punches and a couple dudes thrown over tables. Stairs, doors, more stairs, more doors,
Men With Hats and a trite little “You are the maker of your own destiny” fortune at the end of this
disappointing cookie.

As for the love story? I’m sorry, but I miss Minnie Driver. Overall, I give The Adjustment Bureau… hang
on, let me check my pockets… two stale Smarties, half a stick of gum and $5.

Ricky Gervais - Out of England 2

Well, I started this blog to review things, so a perfect target would be this new Ricky Gervais comedy special I'm... trying... to enjoy. But really, my heart's not in attacking it - it's just depressing. So instead of trying to review it, I'll embed the video, then blog about how it's screwing with me, and let the void be the judge.

I gave up halfway through clip 3 on youtube, maybe 10 minutes in, so maybe I should check out the rest before passing judgement, but something about parts 1 and 2 soured me for any more laughs tonight. The "conserve water: take a bath with a friend" gay paedo dirty jokes were funny and innocent enough really, but by then I already had this horrible doomy feeling that Ricky Gervais has ballooned into some Charlie Sheen-esque unhinged over-moneyed rantbag, which is exponentially more tragic given his preceeding acquiantance with actual artistry, unlike Sheen. Sheen is the better actor, I'll give him that. Ricky is less able to pretend. He used to pretend that he was an asshole, but was actually lovable and self-deprecating. He winked a lot.

I remember when Ricky's ego was a joke, a good one, a running one. I remember when he did a show with his given name as backdrop in luminescent four story letters. But his ego ballooned as his build slimmed. Yes, he does looks like a boxer, as Jon Stewart said in a recent interview. Throwing punches. He sounds like a boxer, too. He sounds American. He sounds like a rich guy with a personal trainer. Is this the same guy that wrote "Extras"? That show seemed to have soul. Now his ego is real, and less funny. I'm trying hard to find some wink but I can't.

This is the kind of thing you see when fat people slim down. I did it, why can't you? Because you're a lazy weak little worm, and I'm a little above most people. Or a lot above most people, like, elite. I mean, that's not a figure of speech, my income is in the top 0.00001%, that's imperical. Suck on that, old money! I'm storming the gates!

That's the thing, when you storm the gates, you find out what the people who owned the gates already knew - it's comfy behind those gates. And you belong there, don't you? Those gates are for your protection. That's the kind of attitude Gervais cops in this show, but there's no wink anymore, the guy means what he says. He thinks that "the fat people are eating the skinny people's food". That's not the guy I used to love, that's an over-moneyed noveau-thin blowhard.

Is it the "Atheist Easter Card" he badgered Jon to display on the view screen during the interview, is that what's screwing with my head? He's so proud to be an atheist. It's that smug attitude that makes it hard to find any humour in the jokes, that "of course all reasonable people know..." assumption, making a religion of no god, not a religion of no religion. The Buddhists did it better. Fundamentalist Christians take things literally, just like self-congratulating comics. You see this in Americans a lot, but also some Brits, particularly Richard Dawkins, and the type that want to be him, or simply covet his trademark sneer. They're the kind of people that brag about the score they got on this IQ test one time, except they say it like it's "my IQ" and they... lol... excuse me... think it's a number that quantifies their intelligence, or a "quotient", if you will. Cute. For the record, I'd love an atheist president, atheist prime-minister, atheist governor-general, and atheist united nations chancellor or whatever it's called, all at the same time. That would smell fresh as a daisy to me, religion's gone rancid around here.

If you check out the clips, you'll see that me being rubbed the wrong way by Ricky's latest iteration clearly has to do with my outlook on and experience of addiction. Obviously, my ox is being gored, indirectly. I was probably made too safe, snug in the shelter of 12 step meeting rooms, comparing notes with other addicts, about what makes people consume to the point of death, other than the obvious "because it feels great". Well duuuh. Maybe there's a little more to it though, given the complexity of human nervous systems.

Of course, it's just comedy. I originally wrote "just comedy" in italics, like I was saying it sarcastically, like I was pre-emptively dismissing the people who would say that, in reaction to this (sorta not-really) review, the people who would say "it's so irreverent, it's so politically incorrect... whaddaya want from a comedy show, sensitivity?" But I'd have to say, that would be a reasonable reaction to this pissy review, so I removed the italics. Cause it is just comedy. It's just not comedy that's very funny to me, from a comedian I used to adore. He's washed up it seems to me, and finding that out is a downer. And it's screwing with my head, which is why I'm writing about it, that's all.

You see, I would chalk it up to just comedy, and not let it get to me, if he weren't so preachy about it. He's not doing a shtick, he's moralizing. Which is why I guess I feel entitled to calling him on his shit. Okay, whatever. Headache brewing, not much more to say. I still have Out of England 1 to watch, maybe his transformation to asshole was in a larval stage back then, and it'll be watchable. By the way, I got nothing against assholes, at least if they're comics. It works for David Cross. But when they stop being funny? Well, then we got problems.


Well, Christ, he's still a funny motherfucker. I must have been in a humourless mood that evening. That's the thing with reviews - once I decide on an opinion, all perception thereafter must conform. Having watched the rest of the show, I must say in all fairness, he's still got it. Just not as much of it as he used to have. And he fucking killed hosting the Golden Globes, hahaha! Almost as good as Colbert's roasting of the president.

BTW, Canadians talk about their IQ scores a lot too, but you know I know that - I'm no nation basher.

BTW... uh, so here, check this out before it gets removed - it's funny


the best part of the internet today?
comments on news stories. letters the editor

but i don't wanna join in because i would scream at them....


So this tea partier fowards a photoshopped Obama "family" portrait: mother-ape, father-ape, baby-obama. "No wonder he doesn't have a birth certificate". Cries of racism and bigotry ensue. Big political hullaballoo. The comments that i read, admittedly not all 4004 and counting, were about the stupidity and cupidity of the woman's claim that she only fowarded it to people who wouldn't be offended and how she'd love to find the coward that leaked it to the press.

What I loved to find was a reason to repost this gem:

If we on the left can do it to King George, why the racism outcry this time? I think the very fact of crying racism to one and not the other reeks of racism. It outlines in venetian blind shadows  the underlying assumption still embedded in the american psyche that blacks are closer to apes than any other race. And that ass umption is played out sublimely by yahoo commentors, apparently in all ignorance of the smell. 


like, duh? i mean isn't that what they paid for? again, the comments seem to miss the point. these people toe the GOP line, decrying lower middle class tax breaks and   earned income credit given to the WORKING poor who do not earn enough to qualify for POVERTY level taxes. Meanwhile, General Electric makes in exess of 6 billion in profit and not only pays 0 $ tax, but gets rebates and refunds of 3.2 billion --a profit of 60% MORE, with taxpayer dollars.  and yahooligans? no comment.


frustration and resignation, all in the same
physical itch that is a strain that is a sting
that is sore in everything that bends, every joint
burning a little bit, maybe brain cells burning, maybe
neurons itching, a low electrical wattage that shifted
via some electromagnetic re-calibration to
frustration and resignation all in the same
physical itch that is a strain that is a sting

tender malfunction, easy malfeasance
artifact of consciousness, product of biology
shrink-wrapped for the dumpster

why do i want to believe in fate?
one day i'll regret that decision, when it's made for me
because i wanted it, when i'm clawing at an oak coffin ceiling to no avail
the netherworld is a bureaucratic nightmare
but at least there's something out there
flog a dead horse for what seems to be eternity
and one day you'll see it get up off the ground
and gallop over some horizon that is like
a spoon in your brain that got turned around
and nothing will be the same again, cause there's a twisted spoon in your brain
but you can't remember what it thinks like to be in any different derangement

still itching, still burning
no alternative to pleasure, take the baton
it's a relay race